The School Nativity - to end all nativities !

Well my two are too big now for nativity plays but - i will never forget the year the school decided to join together and perform as one !

BRILLIANT IDEA !

But - remember - when there is the WHOLE SCHOOL performing -

That's A LOT of kids - Mixed age kids

and A LOT of things that can go wrong !! - and go wrong it did !!

Firstly we walked in and sat down - all the while the preschool were sat at the front - one of the kids with a face like thunder, sat cross-legged in the middle of the group, totally ignoring everyone walking in, and continuously muttered just loudly enough for the audience to hear:" I wanted to be Mary!"

That was going to set the scene very nicely

The little narrator started by saying " I welcome you (then it got louder) ALL TO THE HERNE BAY INFANTS SCHOOL PLAY - I HOPE YOU ARE COM... COM ... COMFORT.ABLE AND SIT ... ING NICELY .. THEN WE WILL BEGIN " EVERYONE oooooooo'ed and arhhhhhh'ed and then he was clearly a bit fazed by his starring role, and for comfort, unzipped his flies, got his willy out and clutched it for the whole performance. 

The lovely nursery teacher was nearly apoplectic, kept gesturing, and waving her hand for him to put it away. This threw him even more, and he started to rub it (without losing track of his narrating). People were actually laughing so much they had to leave the room. I thought it served her right for being such a caaaah about her colour co-ordinated play.

OK - so young Sam then came on stage, he was 3 and his nursery class - who seemingly followed - were the sheep - I chatted to his mother afterwards who told me the teachers said for the children to wear "white clothes" which seemed reasonable. Sam wore, tight white t-shirt ( it was his sisters ), linen trousers, cricket tank-top.and he did look fabulous - But Sam was meant to be a sheep ! He got there to find the 15 other mothers had bought there children full sheep outfits with masks etc and Sam looked like he was about to play cricket. They ( the teachers ) found him sheepskin gloves and turned them inside out and put on Mr Dale's white puffer jacket in a desperate attempt to, presumably, make him more "sheeplike" it was too funny for people to take the flock seriously! Sam actually looked more like a Drug Dealer / Pimp but he just thought he was the leader - and had a fabulous 3 year old swagger ! So no tears there !! So far so good !

Then on stage a Child (age 4 or 5) who from one side to the other, just bounced, I have no idea why -

and just,sort of fell off the other side of stage, into tiny shepherds who were kneeling on the floor -

Crys of 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' to follow . What the bouncing was about, i have no idea

When Joseph asked the InnKeeper - is there any room at the Inn - the 

The Inn Keeper replied " Try Inkypatoo " = Everyone looked at each other - and Joseph looked at Mary who looked at the Inn Keeper and took matters into her own hands

 - Do you have any Room Luke ??

Inn Keeper looking puzzled said again " I'm NOT Luke - I'm the Inn Keeper - Try Inkypatoo "

Mary just piped up - Luke - WHAT ARE YOU SAYING YOU SOUND STUUUUUUUPID

and Luke replied - "I'm saying my line - Try INN.KEEPER.TWO ... and you SOUND AND LOOK stupid .... So Nerrrrrrrrr ''

Laughter = and this is where we knew - this was going down in history !

Mary then proceeded to have a shouting match with Joseph telling him that she did NOT want to him to be Joseph at all - and in fact - I quote " I want to be a weary traveller and trudge to Bethlehem with Jason! ".. Joseph then started chin trembling...but - got his own back when he picked the biggest bogey out of his nose & wiped it all over Mary's shoulder - Mary then screamed and started gagging & crying during the birth of baby Jesus - but - she hid her difficult birth very very well !

That's when one of the Towns people piped up - with his own made up sentence - ( he was 11 and leaving school this year ) "Hey You -  Get me some coffee, this woman just had a baby!"  A teacher went over to investigate and was told "That's what they always say on Casualty, Miss!" The head teacher had given into the fact this task was too much and was silently laughing away in the corner, maybe a little rocking was happening as well ?

David ( David is 10 - so - (an older and more 'trustworthy member of the school' ) was cast as the angel Gabriel, and spoke often of the Baby Cheeeeeesuzzzz - but it became quite apparent to David's parents, and the entire school hall, that he was badly in need of glasses, Poor David Bumped three times into Mary and after she glared at him and hit him on his arm - he did a graceful trip/slide across the stage, mid speech narrowly missing a Donkey but hitting Mrs Evan's shin who let out an almighty 'SHIT' .. Not literally - but - verbally !

David was fine, and decided this was going to be his debut and responded to the attention of the audience by doing his best Michael Jackson inspired hipthrusts before he was "escorted" off the stage by the head of Year 5.

One of the Wisemen then started saying LOUDLY to Mrs Martin that it's 3 Wisemen and three "chefs" rather than shepherds and she was getting mixed up with 'shepherds pie' and in the same sentence - very quickly said - He couldnt believe that they put a baby in a horses feeding bowl "the manger" and told Mrs Martin that the "sparkly guy" (Angel Gabriel) had a Hula Hoop (halo) on his head - By this time the audience were LITERALLY in tears but it did not stop there - ohhh no -

Thomas was in the front row of the choir, and hence = everyone could see that he was quite desperate for a wee. He jiggled and held his willy, ignored the teachers hissed instructions to jump down so that someone could take him to the loo, all the while he was still singing his little heart out. He was obviously NOT going to miss it for the world ! I'm glad to report he did manage to hold it in !! ( and the wee ) 

Joseph was sitting with Mary QUIETLY - The aforementioned 'Jason ' incident forgotten about, when the 3 Wise Men arrived with their gifts. The two gratefully received the Frankinsence and gold but the same Wiseman as earlier exclaimed loudly when he offered his gift: " I have Myrrh - Mmmmmm ? What's Myrrh then - Dadddddddddddddddddd do you know what this Myrrh stuff is ?? Cause i aint got no clue " Heads all then swiveled to the mum n dad who - kinda Shriveled up !!

Young Ben was cast as one of the 'stars' who dressed in and had decorated white t-shirts with no trousers on. They all looked really angelic until they lifted their arms up and the whole audience realised that Ben had also taken off his pants! The utter shock of the Choir Mistress Ms Spence in front,who had an eyeful was an absolute picture !

Then there was Harry, Before his grand moment he was sat at the side of hall by the sliding doors in his outfit awaiting his cue. He got abit bored and started to twist himself into the full length curtains next to him.

He was so good at the twisting thing he completed disappeared into it and was not able to untangle himself in time to utter the vital line "look at the shining star."

Mrs Stanley doing the nativity was sat at the front hissing "Harry, where are you?" After a few anxious seconds she gave up and said the line herself.

Poor Harry is never going to be anything but the chorus line for any school production from now on !.

Sophie who was cast as a shepherd was sat in her dressing gown and tea towel and looking cute and angelic as Mary and Joseph make their little tableaux. Then she spotted her dad, who had been away a lot the previous 2 weeks. 
In that lovely LOUD tot voice we hear: "THAT'S MY DADDY OVER THERE. LOOK OLLIE, THERE'S MY DADDY! HELLO DADDY! (frantic waving and pointing) DADDY! HELLO! I'M A SHEPHERD. WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING TO ME DADDY? (repeat) - (repeat a lot) ! - Sophie shepherd and the other shepherds, got up, tea towels on their heads, and the audience 'aaah'ed and giggled with delight. Little Sophie took great offence at this and shouted "Stop laughing!" at the audience. I can only imagine we didn't obey quickly enough, because she then made her hand into a gun and yelled "I'll shoot ya! I'LL SHOOT YA ALL! ( Sophie had 4 older brothers ) Sophie then started crying because her dad would not say hello and the people in the audience were laughing - so she walked into the audience, climbed onto some random ladies lap, snuggled up, stuffed her thumb in her mouth while twiddling the collar of the ladies fleece under her nose, and promptly fallen asleep. Everyone was then enchanted and bemused with Sophie!

I have a feeling that the teachers MUST have hated Year 9 Joe because i do not recall this part ever before but - i do kind of agree, as he was a little toerag and - he did deserve - if a kid of this age deserves anything - to be this part -  Nevertheless, every child must have a role in the play, so Joe was the straw in the stable ! - I kid ye not, the parents dressed him in yellow cords and a yellow jumper and tied some straw around his middle. He spent the entire production lying on the side of the stage. he has never been so still or quiet - the teachers were proud and Joe did a fabulous job - but please - the stable straw !!!! 

A fight then broke out over who was going to hold the little baby Jesus.
Joseph had then had quite enough of Mary and pushed her off the stage, one of the three wise men wet himself in all the confusion, and Erin the little girl with the big stutter was a star - in every sense of the word and her speech had never been clearer than when she said sod this and walked off the stage.

That's the Nativity to end all Nativities ....